I’m Caitlin Cantor, Psychology Today’s Modern Sex Blogger, Licensed Therapist, and one of only 1,000 Certified Sex Therapists in the entire world.
I’ve spent over 10 years helping clients transform their relationships and sex lives into what they long for.
As a therapist, I’ve seen first-hand over and over again the LIFE-ALTERING power of feeling safe and loved in our relationships.
Growing up, homelife felt chaotic and sad, and I didn’t always feel safe.
My father died of cancer when I was 5, leaving my young mom with two little kids, depressed from losing the love of her life.
My mom did her best, but being in survival mode took its toll on her ability to be emotionally available. And the skills that made her a great lawyer - like arguing the case to be right - didn’t work well in relationships.
As an adult, relationships were hard, and I didn't know why
Growing up I was overweight in a fatphobic world. I struggled with my self-esteem. The trauma of losing my father left my family wounded. I didn't feel safe and loved at home, or anywhere else. I longed for love and acceptance, especially from men.
I also didn't witness healthy relationships or healthy ways of relating. My mother never remarried and I had no aunts or uncles. Having low self-esteem, longing for love and a sense of belonging, and being unaware of healthy relationship skills made me a perfect match for painful relationships. I didn't know how to communicate, or how to set boundaries, or even that I was very defensive back then.
Trial and error didn’t help me build a healthy relationship.
It wasn’t until I started studying how to have healthy relationships and Gestalt Therapy that I realized I was showing up in ways that were leading to disappointment. It wasn’t until I began to look at the messages I got as a child and the effects of losing my father with my adult eyes, that my healing began.
I realized I could either spend my life blaming others and being sad that I didn't have the relationship I wanted, OR I could choose to look inward and take ownership of my life.
When I realized how much power and choice I had in my life, I embarked on a journey to create healthy, positive relationships. With partners. With sex. With my body.
When I finally met my husband, I was ready for the love and joy we have.
Now, hard conversations actually bring my husband and I closer, our sex life is ALIVE even though we’re both working parents and I run two businesses, and when we do get defensive, we’re both quick to take ownership of our parts, apologize, and let it go.
As womxn, we grow up surrounded by messages that we’re not good enough.
We’re taught that our worth is dependent on the way that we look, how much we weigh, on meeting our partner’s needs, and whether we’re able to do it all ourselves and not make waves.
We’re taught not to be needy, not to be “too much.” We’re taught that pleasure is indulgent (and therefore bad) and that we shouldn’t care about our own sexual needs.
Without learning the skills to be a great partner and to support your partner in being a great partner to you, relationships feel hard and full of anxiety, stress, and disappointment.
But most womxn believe we’re not good enough as we are and so we struggle to receive love, even if we have the relationship skills and a loving partner.
Now, as smart, empowered adults, we can decide for ourselves that we are good enough. We can seek out support to heal old wounds and allow connection to flourish.
Caitlin Cantor is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Relationship Coach, and published author who helps smart, independent womxn create the joyful, deeply connected relationships and sex lives they long for. She is the founder of the Caitlin's Couch Membership Program, has a thriving therapy practice in two states, and writes the Psychology Today blog, Modern Sex: Dating and Mating in a Complex World, which has over a million reads. She’s also a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Gestalt Therapist who has given talks on sexual desire, sexual shame, body shame, and communication skills.