Updated: Oct 18, 2022
Having more sex is often not a matter of making sex more exciting. It's often a matter of dealing with the issues that are making sex stressful.
If you worry about being criticized, judged, pressured, or in some way hurt when you have sex, it makes sense that you might start avoiding it. If you're not getting your needs met, it makes sense that you'd become less interested in having it. If you feel pressure to perform or orgasm, you may find yourself less excited to have sex.
Usually, the issues that present during sex also exist in your relationship outside of sex. If your partner is critical or hurtful when you have sex, it's probably true that your partner is critical and hurtful in similar ways in your relationship outside of sex. Who we are in bed is who we are in life!
Sexual issues are relational issues. It's important to work on your relational issues if you want to have more sex. It's not reasonable to expect to want to have more sex when you don't feel emotionally safe in your relationship. And, it's best to work on these relational issues outside of the bedroom, rather than trying to do it when you're being intimate and you're at your most vulnerable. Working on your relationship and deepening your connection will support you in feeling like you can be vulnerable.
Ultimately, having more sex is often the result of having more emotional connection and healing old wounds. Instead of focusing on the sex itself, shift your focus to working on the relationship and you'll find yourself moving along in your sex life as well.
Three areas to work on to promote having more sex include (but are not limited to):
1. Being less critical. It's important to learn how to speak about your feelings and needs in a respectful way. When you communicate with criticism, your point is often missed and feelings are always hurt.
2. Stop speaking down to your partner. When you judge your partner, the way you speak to them comes out as judgmental. Speaking this way is the other end of speaking from a place of respect. Feeling looked down on does not increase the likelihood that you or your partner will want to have sex and be more vulnerable. It's important to create more emotional safety in your relationship.
3. Being more present. If you're not being present with each other, you're likely not connecting. It's important for a lot of people to feel connected to their partner to want to have sex. Feeling disconnected is a big turn off for a lot of people. Start putting away electronics, etc., and planning time to talk together, enjoy a show together, have a drink together, and more. Be fully with each other.
Working on these issues in your relationship will translate into your sex life and all areas of life. The more safety you and your partner feel together, the easier it will be to get in the mood more often.