• Caitlin Cantor

Want Better Sex? Sometimes Simmering Is Hotter than Boiling

As seen on Psychology Today


Most of us have learned how to go quickly through our lives. We’ve learned to multi-task, be super productive, and measure our worth by how much we do in a day. By going fast, we certainly can get more done. However, we miss out on a lot of our experiences by rushing through them.

When it comes to sex, intimacy, and pleasure, by rushing through to get done, you miss the opportunity to experience all of it. You don’t get to feel sensations, and allow those sensations to grow, shrink, morph, or do whatever they may on the road toward greater pleasure. When you rush to get done, you don’t get to experience a deep sense of connection with your partner. Rushing through means you are less present with what is happening in the moment, which means you are less able to feel seen, or truly see your partner. When it comes to sex and intimacy, going fast is a skill that doesn’t work if the goal is greater pleasure and deeper connection.


To start getting more out of your sexual experiences, out of your relationship, and out of your life in general, you have to learn how to slow down. The following tips will help you learn how to slow down and have a richer experience of your life:

  1. Do one task at a time. By forcing yourself to focus on one task at a time, you can practice being present with the one task. You can start to notice more of what that task involves and how you feel doing that task. Starting to pay attention this way, to one thing at a time, is a great way to practice going slower.

  2. Be curious. When you notice you’re having a feeling, rather than trying to understand why you’re having it or get past it, try being curious about it. Try opening up to what it feels like, and observe what happens when you gently pay attention to it. Practice staying with your feelings for longer.

  3. Notice your senses. Start to notice what sensations are there for you. Notice what your body feels. Notice what you smell, taste, hear, and see. And as you’re noticing, make sure you’re breathing to stay grounded and connected to yourself.

  4. Meditate. Having a regular meditation practice is a great way to strengthen your mind-body connection. It’s a great way to learn how to pay more attention to what your feeling, and to tolerate it. Whatever the sensation, whether you would label it “good” or “bad," is going to be new. And when there is newness, there’s a need to get more comfortable. Using your breath is a great way to become more comfortable.

  5. Practice mindful touching. Focus on touching and being touched mindfully. This means noticing sensations of touch, and whatever else is there for you in the moment, without judging it or wishing it away. Just noticing.

  6. Practice presence. This means bringing your awareness back to the present over and over again each time it wanders. If you’re used to thinking about the grocery list while having sex, that’s OK, but as soon as you become aware of that, bring your attention back to the present moment.

  7. Focus on pleasure. So many of us have sex with the goal being orgasm. Orgasms are great! But try showing up for the pleasure that is available to you from beginning to end. When pleasure becomes the goal, you expand the availability of pleasure from just being in the orgasm, to being part of something much bigger.

Slowing down takes practice and effort, especially when you’re used to going fast. It takes effort because you’ve been taught how valuable going fast is, and learning how to slow down will be building a new skill set. Allow yourself to be a beginner, and to learn to slow down, so that you can get more out of life.

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