Updated: Sep 7, 2022
Hey Ladies! You know I’m all about helping you become Empowered AF so you can meet the right guy and create a thriving, loving relationship with him—so I want to share some things that I did at the beginning of my dating journey that were a complete waste of my time and energy.
By sharing these, I hope I can help you stop making the same mistakes I made!
1) In the beginning, I waited for men to contact me first, through dating apps and websites.
Back then I thought I had to wait to be pursued. I worried that I would "scare men away" if I contacted them first. At the time, that was the advice I was getting from everywhere: wait for them to pursue you, don’t react when they don’t text, pretend you’re cool with things you’re definitely not cool with, don’t ask for what you want, etc. It was ALL horrific, sexist, BAD advice, but I didn’t know better at the time.
In reality, waiting and hoping that the right guy would find me to message me was drastically limiting my options. In addition, I was unknowingly condoning the idea that women couldn’t go for what they want because men don’t like it…as if that’s ok….and as if I would want someone who would be turned off by a woman contacting them. That guy doesn’t sound like the right guy for me…plus, we can all expect better instead of shrinking to fit and accommodate anyone’s fragility…but I digress…
Also—back to why waiting and hoping is wasting your time—I was giving away all of my power by not CHOOSING the person I wanted to get to know. If you’re waiting for the right person to find you, you could be waiting for a lifetime.
Instead, step into your power; step into the truth of who you are and into all of your worthiness. Choose someone YOU want to get to know. Send him a message. That’s how I met my husband, by the way.
2) I focused on being attractive, desired, and wanted.
Back then I believed that the road to a relationship began with being wanted. Looking back I can see that belief came from a fear that I might not have been. As a result, I didn’t focus on who was the right fit for me. I wasn’t evaluating whether or not the people I went out with made me happy, supported me, etc. I was focused on being desired, and I was going for the wrong men and feeling hurt when things didn’t work out (now of course I am SO GRATEFUL things didn’t work out with those men!)
By focusing on being wanted, I was showing up from a disempowered place. I gave those I went out with the power to determine if they wanted a relationship with me or not, and in turn, the power to determine my worth or lack thereof. That power didn’t belong to them. Giving it to them was a huge waste of time and energy.
But, once I chose to be the one to determine my worth, I took my power back. I stopped trying to be wanted. I stopped worrying about being desired. I stopped questioning my own worth and began questioning the people I went out with. Were THEY worthy of ME? This was a game-changer. From then on it was easy to see who the wrong partners were right away.
3) I blamed myself when someone was hurtful to me, instead of blaming them for their actions. I told myself they were hurtful because I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong when really, they were hurtful because that’s who THEY were.
I did this because I didn’t know any better. But, it caused me to waste a lot of time on the wrong men because I was blaming myself, and not them. It wasn’t until I realized it was them and NOT me that I started to choose different men. Once I started to choose men who were emotionally available, kind, and healthy, my dating experience stopped being so painful. In fact, it wasn’t painful at all by then, because I wasn’t engaging with those who would cause me pain.
These three mistakes were keeping me from what I wanted. But I had to go inside myself to change and stop making those mistakes. You can change everything about yourself externally—how you look, where you live, how much money you make, and so on—but if you don’t change internally, you'll continue to repeat the same painful relational patterns.
Now, it's your turn! What have you learned from your dating journey so far??
Share in the comments below!